So, I have known for myself that I was trans for over year now. It all started for me somewhere in november of 2020. COVID was raging (and still is, urgh), and I had a lot of time on my hands, sitting at home and thinking. At one point I decided to download one of those selfie editing apps. I had heard about these things, and their feature to change the gender of the selfie, and been wondering how I would look as female for some time now. (An obvious clue in hindsight.)
So, it’s early november, and some time after a really good Hallowe’en hangout with my friends, who are all wonderful people and very supportive in everything. I finally decide to download one of these apps. I find a good one. I try it out.
And O. My. God.
I am immediately stunned. I look good. Like, way better than I should’ve looked. Way better than anything I expected. And it feels right somehow. Something in me is moved. I don’t know why yet, or what it means for me. I know of the term transgender, but I haven’t connected the dots yet.
I show the selfie to some friends, just to get their view. “Hey, do you think i kinda look hot in this picture?” Some time passes. I start to notice some things. I get more and more annoyed of men, and of the stupid things some of them do and say. I’ve always known I wasn’t a typical male, but I thought I was just being supportive and feminist, a good ally. I liked painting my nails as a boy, which was sure unusual, but I did it under the assumption of ‘Hey, f* the patriarchy and their gender norms’. I was comfortable with being a supportive ally. Now I wasn’t so sure anymore. My instagram recommended page suddenly started showing more and more lgbtq+ (and trans-specific) posts. I started looking in the mirror more and more, and kept finding little things that were off somehow. Small things, that never bothered me before, because I never really looked at them. The shape of my hands. The curvature of my lower body, and the feeling that there is something missing from the top.
It was the 19th of november when I finally confronted myself. Some guy I know was being an asshole again, and I mentioned in my friends’ groupchat: “Honestly i might just be trans i am so done with people of this gender.” A few jokes were exchanged, but I realised I’d meant it. I had a really good and really freeing talk with my friends that day. I still wasn’t sure exactly how I felt or what I wanted, but I was now ‘officially’ questioning.
In the next few months I started exploring some more. I decided to grow my hair out. (A decision I do not regret at all. I have not cut it since, and it is now past my shoulders.) I experimented online with trying new pronouns. I made a female D&D character, a thing I had done in the past, but now I was actively and intentionally experimenting.
Come 2021 I had grown somewhat comfortable with my identity. This was something I wanted. I ordered a trans flag, which now proudly waves on my wall. I posted another genderbent selfie in our groupchat, and for the first time tried out my chosen name, Sanne. I wasn’t ready to use it yet, but the feeling of it fitting me was so wonderful.
I stayed with the questioning label for some time. I had other things to worry about, and I didn’t really want to deal with it. I kept moving, but very slowly. I came out to my mother about questioning my gender. I changed my gamer tag online. Small stuff.
In may I finally decide to get some professional help. I contacted my GP, and discussed the options open to me. I wasn’t sure if I wanted a full medical transition, or a partial one, or whatever else. I first wanted to just talk to someone and see what it is I really want. I was provided with several psychologists, and I could move further. I decided to apply at one of the two (2) official gender clinics here in the Netherlands, because I was pretty sure I did eventually want to pass into the medical route. Now here’s the catch. The waiting lists for these things are atrociously long. Like 2+ years. Since there are only two of these gender clinics in the country there is extremely limited space. Together with COVID which provides a heavy strain on the healthcare system, and during which more and more people have started questioning their gender, the waiting lists now exceed two years.
So I’ve been on my own in this journey for awhile now. This past half year I’ve kept experimenting with little things, and I keep moving forward little by little. I went shopping for female clothes with my friends. I have now changed my profile on multiple online spaces, and every new thing I do I do as Sanne. I joined an lgbtq+ whatsapp group for young people. (I’ve yet to join any of their events, but I do want to at some point.) Most recently, and most importantly, I started to use my chosen name among my friends full-time now. It is very much a relief to be constantly loved and supported by these people.
So yeah, that’s pretty much where it’s at for me. That’s my journey so far. In the future I plan to continue moving forward and take these little steps where I can. Who knows, maybe I’ll be ready to actually socially transition someday. For now, there isn’t much I can do except being myself, and that is the best thing someone could do.
Love
~ Sanne